


All That I Want

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-15
Updated: 2004-05-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:17:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian Reflects on Justin.





	All That I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I never would have thought that when I saw that blonde twink standing under the street lamp on Liberty Avenue that I would be in a relationship-the dreaded "R" word, with him let alone anyone else.

 

At the time I met him I didn't do boyfriends and I certainly never did tricks more than once and definitely would never have them stay overnight. Whether I realized it at the time, Justin was never just another trick. For some odd reason the moment our eyes met I knew my life was going to change and change it did. Maybe it was a sign, or just fate stepping in, but as it happened that was also the night my son Gus arrived in this world. I remember that night so well, like it just happened yesterday instead of 5 years ago.

 

Michael, Ted, and Emmett were waiting at the jeep for me when I came out of Babylon. They were making fun of me for not taking long with my latest conquest. As I went around the driver's side to get in I looked up and that's when I noticed him. He was standing there across the street leaning against the lamp post trying to look like he fit in. I walked up to him and stood, maybe inches apart from him and stared right into those beautiful blue eyes; undaunted he stared right back at me. I asked him "How's it going?" "Had a busy night?" He told me he was just checking out the different bars. I kind of doubted he had been to the places he mentioned, he had this innocence about him that made me think otherwise so I asked, "where you headed?" "No place special" he said. I then told him, "I can change that." I turned to walk back to my jeep and he followed we hopped in leaving a pissed Michael, Emmett and Ted on the sidewalk.

 

As we silently drove to my loft I kept glancing at him as he sat there deep in thought. I pulled up to my place, got out, and we silently rode the elevator up. I walked in thinking he would follow. I threw my jacket on the sofa and strode over to the refrigerator to get a bottle of water. When I turned to see where he was I actually was surprised to see him still standing hesitantly over by the open door. He looked like a scared animal caught up in the headlights of an on coming car, unsure of what he should do, so I asked if he was coming in. As if coming out of a trance, he slowly acknowledged my question. He must have been really nervous because I had to remind him to close the door. He started to walk forward then stopped; unsure of his next step. I asked him a few questions and slowly started to undress right before him. As I stood before him in all my glory with my arms open wide I to asked him, "so are you coming or going or coming then going or coming and staying." He moved towards me and removes his jacket and again we're standing just inches apart from each other. Suddenly my emotions take over and I grab at him, our lips meet as I hungrily devour every inch of his soft, silky mouth, our tongues doing a dance, all the while I'm removing his clothes. We finally move into the bedroom and as I'm straddling him and stroking him my phone rings. "Shit! What perfect timing I think," as I reach over to answer it, I realize it's Melanie, yelling at me where the hell have I been all night and to get my ass over to the hospital cause Lindsay just had our son. I let her know I will be there in a few minutes. I hurriedly rush to get dressed throwing his clothes at him telling him he had to get out now. With a disappointing look he told me he couldn't go home and that's when I discovered just how young he was. He tried to bullshit me by telling me he was older, but in the end he finally confessed he was only 17 and that this was going to be his first time with anyone. That's when I told him about my first experience that happened when I was fourteen with my gym teacher. I don't know what made me tell him that story, no one except Mickey knew about it but maybe this was a another sign that there was something about Justin I could trust.

 

Well, we made it to the hospital in one piece. I couldn't believe what I was feeling the moment I laid eyes on my son; love and tenderness and a desire to protect him from all the bad that was out there in this world. I think the only other time I ever experienced these feelings again was when Justin got bashed in the head by that asshole, homophobic prick, Chris Hobbs. It took that incident to make me realize just what he meant to me and what I felt for him. I thank god, as much as I would allow myself to really believe there is a God, for letting Justin remain in my life and for showing me what it feels like to be really loved.

 

The munchers were trying to decide on a name. Melanie wanted the name Abraham after her grandfather, while Lindsay wanted Gus. Lindsay gave me a silent look that told me Abraham was not her favorite choice, so I turned to Michael and Justin. I have to give the kid credit, he wasn't afraid to speak up in a room full of dykes. He said my son wouldn't survive a day in school with a name like Abraham, but Gus is okay. So there it was another sign; I had let this boy who I had only known for a few hours name my son.

 

We finally made it back to the loft where I finally had the chance to fuck him. As I proceeded to ravage him, I told him to relax. "I want you to always remember this, so that no matter who you are ever with I'll always be there." My alarm went off the next morning and as I reached over to turn it off; there he was, his piercing blue eyes just staring at me. For a moment I was caught off guard, not remembering who he was until I asked what was his name. "Justin", he said. "Justin", I repeated.

 

As I crawled out of bed the events of the night before came flooding back to me. "Shit I had a baby." "Ow" I heard from the shower. "Two babies" I mumbled to myself.

 

With the full intention of never seeing him again I dropped him off at school. Little did I know how false those intentions were. As we pulled up to his school in my jeep, he got out and he came up to me and asked, "when can I see you again?"

 

I told him "you can see me right now." "I mean later tonight", he asked.

 

"Who knows where I'll be tonight." With that, I got back into the jeep and recklessly drove away. Never glancing back or giving him a second thought.

 

"Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you"

 

I don't think anyone can say I "rushed" in when it came to Justin. In fact I'm amazed at his staying power; his tenacity to ride it out with me. I did everything I could to make him disappear from my life. I'd bring home tricks, visit the backroom of Babylon, and did whatever I could to flaunt my lifestyle in front of him. Yet, he was still willing to ride it out with me.

 

Oh, don't get me wrong, there were times when he felt he could have something better out of a relationship, something I couldn't or wouldn't give him. Like with Ethan; that grungy, fiddle playing punk. He said and did all the right things. Things Justin needed to hear and to have acknowledged. Justin wanted to have romance so Ethan gave him picnics on the floor, told him that if he was his boyfriend everyone would know it, and all he ever wanted in a relationship was to come home. Someone he loved and who loved him. He even brought home flowers. Ethan gave him all the things I wouldn't do or say.

 

When he decided to leave me for Ethan, it felt like I had just gotten hit over the head with Chris Hobbs' bat. What little progress Justin had made in breaking down my walls went right back up; brick by brick. In true Kinney fashion, I went into my pain management mode; the drinking, the drugs, and, yes, definitely the tricking. Sometimes I fucked two or three different guys a night just to so I could forget that blonde headed twink. Often times I wondered how I made it back safely to my loft each night. I was usually so high I could barely remember who I was, but as long as I could block out the face of that beautiful blue-eyed blonde I knew I could survive the night.

 

It was the daylight when everything came rushing back; that I'd feel like someone hammered the shit out of me. I often wondered how I made it through the work day without my arsenal of drugs and alcohol to dull the pain I was feeling, but when it came to business I had to lay my demons to rest and focus on what I was being paid to do. I know there were times Gardner would have canned my ass if he could, and if it wasn't for Cynthia he probably would have.

 

All my friends, tried to force me to admit that I really had fallen in love with Justin. Debbie was furious with me when Justin left. She kept asking what did I do to her "Sunshine." Lindsay was more subtle; she wouldn't come right out and ask what I did. She would try to draw me out by asking a few well placed questions. As for the rest of my well meaning friends; they just assumed I was being my usual asshole self and that's why he left.

 

When I did have my moments of lucidity from the drugs and alcohol and really faced what I actually felt for him, I realized that I had fallen in love with him and fallen hard. When realization did hit, I was surprised that the earth didn't open up and swallow me, or that the world didn't come to an end like I feared it would. I couldn't help thinking this can't be right. Kinney doesn't believe in love.

 

There it was, Justin had found a way to break down the walls that I spent years trying to build to protect myself from the hurt and grief love can cause. He taught me and showed me in so many different ways, that I was worthy of being loved and that I did deserve to be loved.

 

"Shall I stay would it be a sin. If I can't help falling in love with you."

 

When I did admit to the fact that I loved him I was scared shitless. I remember telling myself, "this is not possible I don't believe in love, I believe in f - -king….it's honest, it's efficient, you get in and out with a minimum of bullshit and a maximum of pleasure. Love is something people tell themselves they're in to get laid." But there it was glaring me in the face; Brian Kinney was in love. I wanted to bolt when I realized that I loved him and that I trusted him enough to get inside my walls and yet I was too terrified to say those three simple words "I love you." Had I said it to him earlier maybe he wouldn't have gone and found Ethan but it was just too hard to admit. Let alone say.

 

Was I ready for this kind of relationship? Oh god, yes! The minute I'd get home from work and spot him on the sofa sketching or doing homework, whatever kind of shitty day I had in the office would just wash away. I would see him sitting there lost in whatever project he was working on, and my heart would swell at the mere sight of him. He'd look up, give me one of his "sunshine" smiles and make everything right in my world; no matter what kind of day it had been.

 

He was my breath of fresh air. How could I not want him with me. He made everything seem right in my world. I loved having him beside me when I woke up in the morning, snuggling next to me like a puppy trying to find warmth. I'd enfold him in my arms and give in to the feelings of wanting to love him and protect him from everything bad. Those nights he was with Ethan were the loneliest and emptiest nights of my life. I never thought I could feel this way. I hated facing my big barren bed, knowing that when I reached for his warm body all I would find was an empty space and cold sheets. I even took to sleeping on the sofa because I couldn't bare the thought of being alone in that bed where we shared so much, the tenderness, the whisperings, and yes, definitely the sex. God, how I had missed him; not just for the sex but everything he had brought into my life. When Justin was around I actually looked forward to coming home and spending my evenings with him.

 

Even at his young age he is one of the most intelligent people I know. He could talk about anything and often times we had a debate going, each of us picking sides trying to out argue the other.

 

It was amazing to realize the impact he had on my life. He did so much for me, not just emotionally but in other ways as well. Nights he didn't have to work at the diner, I'd come home smelling some wonderful aroma from the kitchen. He would always try to make something special for me. He was such a great cook. He also did a lot of little things, helping to organize my hectic life.

 

Why couldn't I just have said those three little words to him when he needed me to? Then we would not have wasted so much time apart. But I know why, it was because he had found a way to break down my walls and hold on to my heart and make me feel things I thought I never could and I was scared.

 

"Like a river flows surely to the sea"

"Darling so it goes some things are meant to be take my hand,

take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with you"

 

I guess it was fate stepping in time and time again, but the big question was "could I trust him with my heart and my soul and everything I am and everything I believe in?" The answer was yes! I could trust and believe in him. We were meant to be together because, no matter how many times I tried to push him off that proverbial cliff he always saw right through my motives and he'd call me on my bullshit. I really do love him, He is my moon and stars when the nights bring out my demons, all I need is his comforting touch to quell any doubts that has taken over my peace of mind. All he has to do is snuggle against my chest; his face buried in the crook of my neck and I feel secure in his love for me. He is my sunlight that warms my heart and soul. He is the one I want to call when I have good news to share; like when I made partner or when I land a big client. He is also the one I want to call when the clouds seem to be over taking my day and threatening to block out my sunlight. Just the sound of his voice and I can feel my whole mood shift. After talking with him I feel grounded and focused and see things more clearly because I know he wouldn't feed me a lot of bullshit just so I would feel better. He calls it like he sees it; he doesn't blow sunshine up my ass. That is another thing I love about him, his honesty and integrity; his ability to stand up for what he believes in even though it has gotten him in to more trouble than I care to think of. You have to admire him though, he doesn't back down from a fight and he is fiercely loyal to those he loves. Lucky for me, I am one of the fortunate ones; to be on the receiving end of his loyalty. He's always right there to defend me when our friends start hassling me for one thing or another that I supposedly did. He is the only that knows me better than anyone else does, because he is the one that has my heart.

 

After a while I noticed things changed between us. We weren't just having sex any more we were making love. Instead of the animalistic, lust filled fucking there was a tenderness that touched my heart. I couldn't wait to be inside him, I needed to be inside him and feel his tight hole clench around me until I want to explode. After we both came I would gather him in my arms and hold him basking in the afterglow of love, warmth and contentment. I have never experienced this with any other lover. It is so amazing to feel so contented, to feel satisfied but most of all to know that the person you are holding loves you more than anything or anyone else. I could remain like this forever blocking out the rest of the world as long as I had my Sunshine beside me.

 

So there it was, I vowed that if he ever came back into my life I was going to say those three little words he so longingly needed to hear and which I know he deserved to hear; "I Love You!" I was going to take my heart and soul and entrust it to him. For I know that he would never again willingly hurt me as long as he knew that I loved him with everything that I am. Justin, "take my hand, take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with you." And yes, I do love you Justin more than either of us will ever realize.

 

"Like a river flows surely to the sea"

"Darling so it goes some things are meant to be take my hand,

take my whole life too for I can't help falling in love with you,

for I can't help falling in love with you"

* * *

"Can't Help Falling In Love" by Elvis Presley


End file.
